JokesPageHeader
     
Monday Oct 21 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor — not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.

The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he's bringing in "the best and the brightest" to solve the problem. Why didn't he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.

The president said, "There's no sugarcoating the problems with the healthcare website.” See, that's a mistake. We’re Americans, we love sugarcoating. If you sugarcoat something, Americans will buy it. In fact, sugar is the reason we have Obamacare in the first place.

Only in America can you be broke and get fatter. You know why? Because we sugarcoat everything.

Conan

President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn't-think-this-through.

As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, "How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?"

Due to system failure today, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the several hours Facebook was down we were actually competitive with China.

Here in California over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Apparently she did this in the New Releases section.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: "Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever."

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: "Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever."

It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?

Facebook had a major outage this morning. Users around the world experienced a variety of problems. Some couldn't log in, some couldn't upload photos. I was trying to find actually babies and sunsets to look at.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.

There are reports that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently bought the four houses around his home so that he could have extra privacy. He is going to be so peeved when somebody tells him about curtains.

Last week North Korea unveiled a new government-owned water park. There are differences between an American water park and a North Korean water park. In America, if you're less than four feet tall, you can't ride a slide. In North Korea, if you're less than four feet tall, you can run the country.

A new study found that ancient cave art from 40,000 years ago was mostly done by women. So even back then men didn't have a say in decorating.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 
Around the Web

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved