In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.
Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.
After the shutdown debacle, the tea party's approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it's the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.
Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.
There have been no murders in New York City for eight days in a row. Crime has diminished so greatly that I can't remember the last time I was forced at gunpoint to dig my own grave.
Donald Trump is on the program tonight. We are very lucky. It's almost impossible to get this guy in front of a camera.
People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.
I don't think Donald Trump will run for governor of New York. He's too busy firing D-list celebrities.
It's the first day with the government back. The shutdown's over, national parks have reopened, federal employees are back at work. But hey, just tell me if the panda cam is back on.
Today the National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., reopened. For the last few weeks, they haven't had a single visitor. To be fair, it's like that all the time.
This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who'd been out of work during the shutdown. Haven't those people suffered enough?
Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One's a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton's going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.
The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusive boyfriend or something.
As far as I know, President Obama signed a bill to redo the ceiling at the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.
Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn't exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn't exist.
Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.