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Wednesday Oct 16 2013

Conan

President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he will start by deporting Ted Cruz.

Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.

In a new interview, the Dalai Lama endorsed medical marijuana. So now we know why the Dalai Lama sits around in a robe all day.

Researchers are in the process of creating an underwater Wi-Fi network. Finally a way for people to tweet "I'm drowning."

Late Show with David Letterman

For the last week, guess what in New York City? No murders. I think it's because of the government shutdown, but I'm not sure.

What this means is New Yorkers are committing their murders out of town.

There were no murders in New York City. Everybody says, "Yeah, that's great." But here's what I'm thinking: "Oh, no, does this mean now the subway will be crowded?"

When the government defaults we will lose our ability to borrow money — and also we will lose our membership in Sam's Club.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Congress finally reopened the government. Unfortunately, some underlying issues still remain. Republicans oppose tax increases. Democrats oppose benefit cuts. And John McCain opposes kids on his lawn.

The new deal means the U.S. will be able to pay off its debts. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. By "everyone" I mean China.

MSNBC said the end of the shutdown would be a win for Democrats. Fox News said it would be a win for Republicans. CNN said — I don't know. Nobody watches that, do they?

I'm glad the shutdown is over. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that now is not the time to point fingers. Well, let me know when it is. I've got one for him and the rest of Congress. Tell me the right time and I'll send it right to you, you incompetent buffoons!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building.

Some in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. I don't think so. If you pick up a gun and don't shoot yourself in the leg with it, that's not really an achievement.

The government will temporarily reopen until January 15 with the debt ceiling raised until February 7, and then we'll do this over again. Why do we have a debt ceiling? Why can't we get rid of the debt ceiling, have a convertible government and feel the wind in our national hair?

 
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