Tuesday Oct 15 2013


A Somali pirate leader has been captured in a sting operation where he was lured to Belgium with the promise of starring in a movie about his life. When he showed up, they arrested him. The leader of the Taliban has now been offered a part on "Two Broke Girls."

Pope Francis is reportedly selling his Harley-Davidson motorcycle. When asked why he was selling it, he said, "When I get it over 30 miles an hour, it's hard to keep my hat on."

This week at New York's Comic Con, Sylvester Stallone charged fans almost $500 for a photo with him. So far he's made almost $500.

A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here in New York City the good news is that in the last week no murders took place. Seven days without a murder. The New York Giants said, "Hey, wait a minute, we've been killed six weeks in a row! What are you talking about?"

Any New York Giants fans here tonight? Well, we'll sneak you out the back.

Archie Manning, the father of Eli and Peyton, held a press conference earlier today and announced Eli was actually the son of Frank Sinatra.

It looks to me like the Giants won't win a game this season. It's hard to be optimistic at 0-6 unless, you know, they work Rutgers into the schedule.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Because of the government shutdown, the White House is under attack — by squirrels. They've invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.

A lot of people got mad when Michelle Obama expanded the White House garden. That just shows you some people don't know their history. When Eleanor Roosevelt grew a garden, it was a "victory garden." But when Michelle Obama does it, it's a "communist plot."

When I first heard the White House was under attack by freaky rodents, I thought, "What's Ann Coulter done now?"

This kind of thing would never have happened under George W. Bush because Dick Cheney would have been on the White House lawn blasting the squirrels with a shotgun.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's day 15 of the government shutdown. President Obama said he was hopeful an agreement would be reached tonight. Part of the problem is that Republicans can't even agree among themselves on what they want. Which means Obama doesn't know what to tell them they can't have.

The effects of the shutdown are being felt in the White House vegetable garden. Because the gardeners have been furloughed, the vegetables are starting to rot. Is it possible that President Obama intentionally engineered the shutdown just so he would have an excuse to eat a cheeseburger?

I am anxious for them to get the shutdown resolved. After 15 days, I'm starting to run out of jokes about it.

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