Friday Oct 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

Military officials say a former al-Qaida explosives expert may be released from Guantanamo because he now weighs 420 pounds. He’s 420 pounds and former al-Qaida. Sounds more like “former Al Roker,” doesn’t it?

Because this guy doubled his weight in prison — he’s too fat — they are going to let him out. You know what that means? OJ could be getting out any day now.

Detroit's former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Well, lucky for him his years in Detroit will count as time served.

Late Show with David Letterman

If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test. It's apparently illegal to be gay in Kuwait, so they ask one question, "Do you watch the Tony Awards?"

We seem to be getting along just fine without a government during the shutdown. I just pray that when the shutdown is over, all nonessential employees — about 800,000 of them — will be back at their nonessential jobs.

They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry — that's an interesting category — went to John Boehner and Barack Obama.

President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There's a big movie opening today — "Machete Kills." Mel Gibson is a bloodthirsty villain who goes nuts and terrorizes people. I have no idea what he plays in the movie.

Sunday night is the return of "The Walking Dead." It's a great show even though it's not on CBS. Actually, CBS does have its own zombie show on Sunday nights. It's called "60 Minutes."

If you've never seen "The Walking Dead," it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN.

"The Walking Dead" is on AMC. AMC has that "Mad Men" show. More people would watch "Mad Men" if it had zombies.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the Giants lost to the Bears, making them 0 and 6, their worst record in over 30 years. It's gotten so bad, even Tim Tebow was like, "If they call, I am NOT HERE."

Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, “Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.”

The Vatican made news this week after it released 6,000 commemorative medals with the word “Jesus” misspelled. When they saw what happened, the Vatican was like, “Oh, my Dog!”

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