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Thursday Oct 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The other day California's health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry was announced this week. It was awarded to Senator Ted Cruz for mixing up that batch of Kool-Aid that the Republicans seem to be drinking on Capitol Hill.

As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, "I don't want to put anything on the table and I don't want to take anything off the table." Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table.

Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a "Braveheart" moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: "Ransom."

Late Show with David Letterman

They passed out the Nobel Prize for medicine. It went to the doctor who developed a pill that will allow you to keep up with the Kardashians.

The Nobel Prize for fiction went to the JetBlue flight schedule.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry once again went to the Yankee Stadium hot dog.

The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to Bruce and Chris Jenner.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The government has been shut down for 10 days now. The shutdown has lasted longer than Kris Jenner's talk show.

The shutdown is almost as painful as Kris Jenner's talk show. I know about painful talk shows, by the way.

Today the Nobel Prize for literature went to Alice Munro, regarded as the "master of the short story." The Nobel Prize in literature is very important because the winner is guaranteed huge sales and interviews that will be talked about for years. No, wait, that's Oprah's Book Club.

Ernest Hemingway once won the Nobel Prize for literature. Hemingway told an interviewer that the Nobel Prize was his second greatest achievement. I don't know what the first one was, probably catching a big fish while drunk.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?

China issued a warning because we owe them $1.3 trillion. If we default, they have threatened to cut off our supply of cheap plastic crap made by kids.

A lot of things are shut down. The CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, is shut down. That means they might have to cancel flu season this year.

National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym — the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new restaurant in New York that doesn’t let customers talk to each other during their meals. When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, "Table for 200 please?"

Researchers say there might be diamonds on both Jupiter and Saturn. Apparently, the diamonds form on the planets because of immense pressure. So it's nice to know that planets get diamonds for the same reason husbands do on Earth.

A new James Bond novel came out this week, and the author says it will feature a more mature Bond than audiences are used to. You can tell he’s getting older by the book’s title: “The Spy Who Was Home by 7 to Watch 'Jeopardy.'"

A new study found that dogs can actually feel genuine love for their owners. While cats just keep a journal of all the things they hate about you.

 
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