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Wednesday Oct 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Well folks, the stalemate continues. The two sides are miles apart. They are not even speaking to one another. But enough about Kris and Bruce Jenner.

Bruce Jenner and Kris Kardashian are splitting up after 22 years of marriage. On the plus side, they made it 21 years and 42 weeks longer than Kim's last marriage.

Kris Jenner said she doesn't know if she and Bruce will get divorced. Like the rest of us, she'll have to wait until the writers are done with the script for next season.

They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn’t that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty.

Late Show with David Letterman

At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee — "Choffee."

Governor Chris Christie said: "Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie."

It's autumn, ladies and gentlemen, and because of the government shutdown the leaves will not be changing color this year.

It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kris and Bruce Jenner have separated. In their defense, they had to separate. It was in the script.

Kris and Bruce have split. If two shameless publicity seekers can't make it work, what hope do any of us have in this crazy world?

The couple asks for privacy in this trying time. I'm kidding! They'll discuss it on the two-hour special "Bruce & Kris Talk About Their Split."

As if we didn't have enough to worry about here in Los Angeles, something happened today that put us all on high alert. It rained. In fact, it was so wet that Kris and Bruce Jenner are battling for custody of their umbrella.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A historian has evidence that the Chinese discovered America before Christopher Columbus did. He said the Chinese were the first to sail across the ocean to North America. Then they realized they'd forgotten the sweet & sour sauce and had to go back.

If the Chinese discovered America, wouldn't all of our stuff be made in China?

Christopher Columbus gets too much credit. First he thought he was coming to India. Secondly, what did he discover? There were already people here. It's like crashing your car through the door of a Starbucks and then saying you discovered coffee.

There is a depressing new product called "Tikker." It's a watch that counts down the moments until your death. It calculates the probable date of your death based on your health and other factors. Technically, isn't your heart a watch that is counting down to your death? Mine is.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren't any other quote “rabbits in our hat.” Plus, they're still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear.

Yesterday, Iran's President Hassan Rouhani said he wants the Iranian people to stop chanting “Death to America” because he thinks it's too harsh of a statement. Then the Iranian people were like, “Paper cuts to America?

I don't how I feel about this. But Frito-Lay just announced that they're coming out with new glow-in-the-dark Cheetos just in time for Halloween. Glow-in-the-dark Cheetos. People asked, “Are they safe to eat?” And Frito-Lay said, "Were they ever?"

 
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