Tuesday Oct 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across.

President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn't stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport.

Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for re-election next year. In fact, today he went over the results of next year's election and he said it looks pretty good.

Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.

Late Show with David Letterman

Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism?

The duffin is a combination of a donut and a muffin, and if you eat enough of them you get a combination of diabetes and heart disease.

After four or five years of eating the duffin, they'll put you in a cuffin.

The Nobel Prize for physics went to two guys from overseas — one from Britain, one from Belgium — who discovered mass subatomic particles. And while they were working on mass subatomic particles, what were we working on? The duffin.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a "Lord of the Rings" movie, we'd be almost halfway through.

Despite the shutdown, the congressional gym in Washington, D.C., remains open. The congressional gym is like any other gym except the customers are the dumbbells.

It is, of course, Nobel Prize week. Today's Nobel Prize was in physics. Here's a physics joke. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

Bodies in motion remain in motion, but bodies at rest have no choice but to stay on the couch watching this show.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is the eighth day of the government shutdown with no end in sight. A small group of Republicans are refusing to allow the vote. President Obama called to reiterate that there will be no budge in budget.

Under a law that dates back to the 1960s, the Amish are exempt from most federal safety-net programs, and that includes Obamacare. Amish communities actually insure themselves, which is good. I depend on those people who make my gooseberry jam.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It's rumored that after eight seasons, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” might get canceled because of bad ratings. No word on what the Kardashians will do next — or what they were doing before.

This week China warned the U.S. that not raising the debt ceiling will hurt the Chinese economy. Then the U.S. said, “No worries — we'll just loan you some of your money.”

A new study found that American workers lack the problem-solving skills that workers in other countries have. When American workers heard about the study they said, "What should we do?"

Officials in Kuwait claim they have a new test that can “detect” gay people and prevent them from entering the country. That's not to be confused with that other way to prevent people from entering Kuwait — the sign that says "Welcome to Kuwait."

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