Monday Oct 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn't been invented?

In Philadelphia, a historic tavern — a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.

According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do — like running the government.

The big TV rumor is that the TLC network is about to cancel the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" — finally a shutdown we can all get behind!

Late Show with David Letterman

CBS has announced that I'm renewing my contract. Here's what it came down to — after talking about it, my family decided they wanted to spend less time with me.

The new hundred-dollar bill is different. First of all, it's only worth $10.

Financial purists and monetary purists are upset because Ben Franklin, who has long been on the hundred-dollar bill, has been replaced by Ben Affleck.

You know who was on the "Today" show singing and twerking and hopping around and stuff? Miley Cyrus. The rumor is that Miley is pregnant. So that means now she's twerking for two.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.

It's Nobel Prize week. Today's prize was for medicine. Winning the Nobel Prize immediately transforms you from being an unknown scientist into a household name. Isn't that right, 2012 winners John Gurdon and Shinya Yamanaka?

Cell discoveries made by these scientists could lead to new treatment for diabetes. When Honey Boo Boo's family heard that, they immediately got on the phone with the Nobel committee. Little Honey Boo Boo has already started learning Swedish.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Winter Olympics are four months away from today but the Olympic torch is already being run. After the official lighting ceremony in Greece, the torch arrived in Russia this weekend and it ran into a little snag. The wind blew it out. That would never have happened if they had used the new Olympic e-torch.

I think if the Olympic torch blows out they should have to run it back to Greece and start over.

The guy carrying the Olympic torch got a light from a security guard. I love that a guy running with a global symbol of athleticism needed help from somebody with a cigarette lighter. What a proud day for smokers all over the world.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn't coming and raised twice as much money.

A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, “Are you SURE I wasn't born in Kenya?”

Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.

Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, “Discrimination is just wrong.”

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