Friday Oct 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Happy TGIF — which stands for "The Government's in Foreclosure."

This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that.

President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn’t want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.

Actually, it's the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York Giants are 0-4, a lousy start to the season. Eli Manning is a great quarterback. Nobody is more frustrated than Eli Manning. After the last game he was so angry he threw his helmet — and it was intercepted.

Don't bet against the Giants Sunday. I think they have an excellent chance. They're playing Rutgers.

At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you're Frank Sinatra's son.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

The big Hollywood movie "Gravity" opened today. It stars Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. I love both of them. One is America's sweetheart who was left brokenhearted by a tattooed bad boy. The other one is Sandra Bullock.

The whole movie "Gravity" takes place in outer space, where everyone is completely weightless. I bet every single actor in Hollywood wanted to do this movie. "You mean I'll weigh nothing in the movie? Sign me up."

Newton's concept of gravity is not considered a law because it's based only on observable data. In the scientific community, the whole concept of gravity is considered just a "theory" — like evolution, or the honest politician.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, "Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians."

Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there's anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it's the guy who lost to Barack Obama.

A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, "Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion."

A new survey found that only 46 percent of Americans have actually read a book in the past year. Which gets even worse when you hear it was just the instruction manual for Grand Theft Auto 5.

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