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Thursday Oct 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn’t doing anything.

This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: "You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don’t care."

According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here’s the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has.

Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don’t have any geniuses.

Conan

The new "Grand Theft Auto" video game has already made more money than every book sold in the last year. That explains why today J.K. Rowling announced a new book, "Harry Potter Hanging on to a Car Hood."

Two naval officers have been accused of bribery that included vacations, drugs, and Lady Gaga tickets. Two naval officers — In other words, that gays in the military thing is working out just fine.

In Ohio a drunk man with a 666 tattoo on his forehead was arrested for urinating inside a burrito shop. Ladies, you can find him on Match.com.

The Los Angeles district attorney has decided not to press charges against Justin Bieber for spitting on his neighbor because it was the neighbor's word against Bieber's. The D.A. said, "Frankly, I don't know who to belieb."

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. And you know what that means: I'm now the only prima donna in town.

The opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang.

If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they'll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show.

President Obama is taking advantage of the government shutdown. It was announced earlier today that he has furloughed his mother-in-law.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed?

Obamacare includes a new tax on indoor tanning salons. For most Americans, that's no big deal. But it made John Boehner very angry.

I'm with Boehner on this one. If we put a tax on tanning salons, more people will look pasty and white. The whole country is going to be whiter than Paula Deen's fan club.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full "Ironman" sequel per day.

We could be up to "Ironman 7" tomorrow.

Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle.

Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry — while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.

Disney World said it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally, Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac.

There’s a Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, New York. The games "Clue" and "Magic 8 Ball" are both finalists to be inducted this year — because if there's anything that defines the fun of toys, it's murder and a ball that crushes your dreams.

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck — or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

 
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