Wednesday Oct 02 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government.

All non-essential employees were sent home — including President Obama's economic team.

To all of you non-essential employees who have been forced out of your job: I work for NBC. I know how you feel.

You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. President Obama is now down to just one teleprompter.


The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie.

Because of the government shutdown, President Obama has had to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama's just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.

People have events in the national parks and they're canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park's black bears.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed.

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York City Opera is bankrupt. Is that why you're all here, because the opera is closed?

Whenever there's trouble, there's always a silver lining. Swing by the New York City Opera on your way home and you can get 75 percent off Viking helmets.

People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk — celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating.

When you sign up for Obamacare you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I don't think people are paying enough attention to fact that the National Zoo is closed. The panda cam has been dark for 48 hours. Who knows what craziness those pandas are up to now? They might be going crazy. They might be making the other animals do chores for them.

This government shutdown is a divisive issue. Families are being torn apart, mostly by zoo animals that are escaping while nobody is watching.

A lot of Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I'm not so sure. If you're waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don't know if it's technically possible.

This would never happen in Canada, because their politicians have dignity, especially that crack-smoking mayor of Toronto.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

The animals covered under the road kill law include antelope, deer, elk, and moose. Before you take a dead animal home, you have to get a permit. Imagine the line for road kill permits. That must be some group.

The popular show "Duck Dynasty" is having a summer cruise. It sold out instantly. If you are a seagull, you may want to avoid that ship.

A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is done to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The government shutdown — no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.

Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who AREN'T federal workers put it, “I'm a federal worker.”

Because the government doesn’t have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you’re someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid’s coming — would an asteroid really make your life any worse?

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