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Tuesday Oct 01 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.

A lot of new words are being introduced to the Oxford Dictionary. They include "bling" and "bromance." And then there are words you don't use anymore, words that have become passé — like privacy, solvency, freedom. These are words that have disappeared while new words are coming in.

Conan

The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts.

The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant — Leap of Faith Sushi.

Justin Bieber was spotted in China on the shoulders of two of his bodyguards. People in China kept asking, "Why isn't that little girl at the factory?"

Late Show with David Letterman

The U.S. government has shut down so I think it will probably be best if you folks in the studio audience spent the night here.

Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn't that the problem, that there's that many non-essential employees?

Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker.

Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off.

Right now more than 800,000 government employees are no longer getting paid. Don't worry. Every single member of Congress still gets paid. You are right to hiss and boo, my friends.

At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day.

The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here!

What are we doing here? Shouldn't we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?

To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid.

I want the names of the idiots who elected these people.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won't get fixed, public employees won't be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult — but there will also be a lot of differences.

There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, "The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!"

A man in Australia recently found a lost “Three Stooges” movie in his shed. It's annoying though because every time he goes to pick it up, he steps on a rake and it hits him in the face.

Scientists in Italy say that the Leaning Tower of Pisa is slowly getting straighter. Yeah, engineers could tell when it stopped listening to Cher.

 
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