Monday Sep 30 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Well, last night we got to see how "Breaking Bad" ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.

This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won't be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn't blinked since the last shutdown.

If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay — so more bad news for Joe Biden.

Since 1976 there have been 17 government shutdowns. The longest was during the four years that Jimmy Carter was president.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy birthday to former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 77 years old. They had a pretty good birthday party for the former prime minister. He was only Tasered twice.

Do you care that the U.S. government's shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly.

Even if the government shuts down, Americans don't care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory.

The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They're going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You're not getting in. They're going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They're closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night 10.3 million people watched the series finale of "Breaking Bad." That's a lot of people. To give you an idea how many, take the number of people who watch this show and add 10.3 million.

Today on Twitter, celebrities posted reactions to the "Breaking Bad" finale. Rosie O'Donnell congratulated the cast. Zach Braff said it was an awesome ending. Mel Gibson blamed the Jews.

I haven't watched the "Breaking Bad" finale yet. I was doing standup in Las Vegas. Why watch meth addicts on TV when I can perform before an entire audience of them?

Last night in Hollywood they held a special screening of the "Breaking Bad" finale at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. A screening at a cemetery? It sold out quickly. People were dying to get in.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Who would have ever guessed that when it was all said and done, the show "Breaking Bad" would end up being a PSA warning about the health risk of using artificial sweeteners?

In one final burst, "Breaking Bad" character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.

Walter White built an oscillating machine gun that popped up out of the trunk and he killed all the skinheads at once. He was like "Methgyver" and tied up all the loose ends.

I hosted a Q & A with the "Breaking Bad" cast. There was a party afterwards. It was very strange to drink a beer with the group of Nazis I had just seen murdered. That was a first for me.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The series finale of "Breaking Bad" was last night. More than 10 million people tuned in for that show. It ended with death, violence, and tragedy. Or as New York Giants fans put it, "Not the worst thing I saw on TV today."

Yesterday the Vikings and the Steelers played a game in London. Fans were like, "I wish we had our own NFL team?" And New Yorkers said, "You want two? We've got the Jets and Giants."

Diplomats from around the world have been spotted at strip clubs all over New York City while they are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Things got pretty weird when the diplomat from Iran tried paying for his lap dance with goats.

China is building an $8 billion movie studio to compete with Hollywood. They started by releasing American movies and renaming them. For example, they're releasing "The Lone Ranger" and they're renaming it "He Who Rides Horse in Bad Movie."

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