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Thursday Sep 26 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

O.J. Simpson has been caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Just when you think you know a guy, huh?

When I heard that story, I think I had the same reaction most of you did. Really? They have cookies in prison?

The post office wants a three-cent increase to 49 cents. They say fewer and fewer people are using the post office and they're losing money. See, that's government thinking. Only the government would think, "Hey, I know how to attract more customers. Let's raise the price."

President Obama is now making his case for raising the debt limit. He said raising the debt limit does not increase debt. You know, like raising the speed limit does not increase speed.

Conan

A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don't know how popular he was. He only had 12 followers.

There's a new issue of "Cosmopolitan" that explains Obamacare to women. The article is called "10 pre-existing conditions to drive your man crazy."

The post office has to raise postage rates due to terrible financial troubles. The postmaster conveyed this news in an email.

A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

Late Show with David Letterman

O.J. Simpson was busted again, this time for stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. This time he left a trail of crumbs.

Have you have seen O.J. lately? He's gotten fat. And if the pants don't fit, you must acquit, ladies and gentlemen.

Lindsay Lohan's sister paid a lot of money to a plastic surgeon to make her look more like Lindsay. If you're Lindsay Lohan's sister, you don't want to change your face. You want to change your name, don't you?

Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, has been tweeting with a stripper in Oregon. He's a bachelor so when this news broke, he had to hire somebody to stand next to him and look humiliated.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Helsinki, Finland, has been named the world's most honest city by Readers Digest. You can always trust a Finn, unless it's attached to a shark.

In cities all over the world, researchers from Readers Digest discarded wallets containing IDs, credit cards, and $50. Then they counted how many got returned. Only one person in Helsinki didn't return the wallet, a woman in her 60s. The lesson here: Elderly women can never be trusted.

Helsinki was number one most honest. Amsterdam finished number seven. In their defense, some people intended to return the wallets but were too stoned.

I consider myself pretty honest. I am fully upfront about the fact that every night I steal an hour of your life.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A cardinal made a comment at the Vatican that Jesus was the first person to tweet. The cardinal said that like Twitter messages, Jesus' messages were brief and full of meaning. Brief I get, but when has there been a Twitter message full of meaning?

No wonder Jesus walked on water. He didn't want to get his phone wet.

The cardinal believes Jesus used tweets before everyone else, with simple phrases made up of fewer than 45 characters like "Love one another." Yet he had only 12 followers.

The NBA is considering letting teams wear special jerseys for a game. Instead of the players' names on their backs, they'll wear their nicknames. Instead of the nicknames on jerseys they should put the salaries on the jerseys. That way they can hold them accountable.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There's a new reality TV show in the works that will apparently send celebrities into space. Or as Gary Busey put it, "They're sending me home?"

That's right, a reality show will send celebrities into space — marking the first time people will actually want the Kardashians to star in another reality show.

The post office just can't get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan — uninvent the Internet.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew just sent a letter to Congress, telling them that the government will run out of money on October 17. Congress said, "Then why didn't you just send an email instead of buying those expensive new stamps?"

 
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