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Wednesday Sep 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

"Breaking Bad" has its final episode on Sunday. It's about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare.

In his effort to try to stop Obamacare, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke for 21 hours and 19 minutes nonstop. That's impressive, but still eight hours short of the record held when somebody asked Joe Biden, "Hey, what's new?"

In Russia a group of parents have asked Vladimir Putin to cancel an Elton John concert because they say it promotes a homosexual lifestyle. They say they don't want to see gay people on stage. They're going to replace it with a performance by the Bolshoi Ballet.

A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.

Conan

Miley Cyrus said she will never twerk again. Miley said there are too many other things she wants to try once and do badly.

In South Carolina, the winner of the latest Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous. However, I'm guessing it's that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.

The Bravo network has fired two of the "Real Housewives of Orange County." They were fired for being pleasant and courteous.

A new report finds Los Angeles to be one of the most energy-wasting cities in the country. Apparently the main culprit is my applause sign. That thing uses a lot of juice.

Late Show with David Letterman

When they say they're closing down the government, people get scared. I'll give you an example. Diana Nyad swam back to Cuba.

How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?

At one point Ted Cruz takes out "Green Eggs and Ham." He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss.

President Obama is at the U.N. Everybody's in town. World leaders are coming and going. President Obama briefed all the other leaders on the Kardashian marriages.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Right now a postage stamp costs 46 cents. But they're proposing to raise it to 49 cents. That's only an increase of 3 cents. It doesn't sound like much, but when you multiply it by all the people who send letters, it could bring the post office upwards of $30.

The post office needs the cash. People don't send letters anymore. I'm old-fashioned. I send one letter a week. That's how I stay connected to my fan.

People who study postage stamps are called philatelists. That sounds dirty.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dave Salmoni, wildcat expert from Animal Planet, brought a lion tonight. This is what I don't get. Our lawyers say if we want to drop cupcakes off the roof, they will make everyone wear helmets and goggles. But they have no problem with someone putting a live tiger on my desk.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand — at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and treated for exhaustion by Obamacare.

Ted Cruz read "Green Eggs and Ham" aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah's couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television.

In the end after 21 hours of railing against Obamacare, Cruz ended up voting the same way as all other senators. His speech didn't accomplish anything. But it was a big event for C-Span, so big that they're planning to run it again as a special over the weekend.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tea party Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate. During his protest, Cruz actually read from the book "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss. Democrats were like, "When will this end?" But then Chris Christie said, "When do we get those eggs and ham?"

Despite all of the controversy, President Obama says he's still moving forward with the healthcare law. In fact, the White House announced that residents of Florida will have 102 different insurance options when Obamacare rolls out. That's because if there's one thing people in Florida love, it's a confusing number of options.

A study found that New Yorkers are some of the most honest people in the world. In fact, today I saw a lady drop a $20 bill and this guy said with complete honesty, "I'm gonna take that."

Another study says parents are biologically programed to dislike their children's spouses. I asked my father-in-law if that was true, and he was like, "Not now, I'm watching "Craig Ferguson."

 
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