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Tuesday Sep 24 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He's trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare.

Tomorrow night AMC will begin airing a "Breaking Bad" marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday's series finale. This is how it ends: Walter White dies in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.

At the U.N. this week, President Obama met with the president of Nigeria, who advised President Obama to eliminate America's debt by sending out fraudulent emails.

President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said that raising the debt limit does not increase debt. And, you know, I have to defer to the president on this one because when it comes to increasing the debt, Obama knows what he's talking about.

Conan

Does anyone have the new iPhone? Analysts say Apple's actual manufacturing cost for the iPhone is $199. That's just parts though. When you add in labor, it's $200.

Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

The NBA is considering introducing jerseys with players' nicknames rather than their last names. Players like the nickname jersey because it's easier for fans to relate to them and harder for women looking for child support to find them.

Miley Cyrus went skydiving for the first time. Actually she started twerking on a plane and the other passengers threw her off.

Late Show with David Letterman

Today's the annual grand opening of the U.N. We have leaders from all over the world, and when they come here they have diplomatic immunity. They can do whatever they want, break any kind of laws. I saw a dictator today walking up Broadway carrying a 16-ounce soda.

Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin is in town. He's here to steal a World Series ring.

The U.N. deals with a lot of important issues. Today they spent the entire day trying to deal with that Ben Affleck as Batman thing.

At every U.N. session there's a special promotion. Tomorrow it's Angela Merkel bobblehead day.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Bill Clinton gave the keynote address today at the Clinton Global Initiative, the charity he started in 2005. Sometimes when presidents retire, they take it easy. But they quickly realize that if you're not the president, nobody cares about you or anything you have to say. It is a condition also known as "being vice president."

Being president is one of the most stressful jobs in the world. It's right up there with being Paula Deen's publicist.

I wonder what President Obama will do when he retires. I bet it will involve giving back somehow. He'll make sure those in the developing world have the most important things they need to succeed — like a fake Hawaiian birth certificate.

At most companies the official retirement age is 65. Not in TV. In TV you can work as long as you want — as long as you don't make the mistake of winning your time slot. That will cause NBC to throw you out. Sorry, Jay.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It has been an exciting week so far. Last night Paul McCartney was here. He played a big show in front of at least 10,000 fans outside. And tonight, Justin Timberlake is live. And then tomorrow America votes and one will be eliminated from music.

Tonight on ABC is the premiere of "Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." It's the most highly anticipated show ever with six periods.

S.H.I.E.L.D. is a secret government agency that helps The Avengers fight crime, so the show is not about superheroes. It's essentially a show about the administrative assistants to superheroes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The U.N. General Assembly is here in New York City. Today, President Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, "You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace." And Obama said, "Really?" and they said, "No, but the look on your face was priceless."

Home Depot just announced that that it will cut health insurance for its part-time workers because of Obamacare. Home Depot's CEO said he had a hard time breaking the news to employees. That's because it took him three hours to find one.

Russian President Vladimir Putin just revealed he may run for a fourth term in 2018. In fact, he already came up with a few campaign posters. One says, "I will put middle-class families first — on bus to Siberia."

Another Putin poster said, "Putin in 2018, whether you vote or not."

 
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