Monday Sep 23 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Vladimir Putin lashed out again at the United States. This time it was for giving an Emmy Award to the Liberace movie, "Behind the Candelabra."

Congratulations to "Breaking Bad." It won the Emmy for best drama last night. When "Breaking Bad" won, they thanked their agents, their families, and of course the makers of Sudafed.

Don't confuse "Breaking Bad" with the New York Giants — that's “PLAYING Bad.” They lost to the Carolina Panthers 38-0. Their game was so bad it was featured in the Emmys "In Memoriam" segment last night.

Britney Spears has signed a two-year deal to perform at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. If you go to Vegas you don’t want to miss that show. They say seeing Britney in concert is the closest thing to seeing her sing live.


This evening I will talk to the entire cast of "Breaking Bad." It might get a little awkward for me since I'm only halfway through season one.

Thanks to "Breaking Bad," the ratings for AMC have skyrocketed. You know what else has skyrocketed? — the number of high school kids now taking chemistry.

This Sunday is the very last episode of "Breaking Bad." So from now on, if you want to see psychotic murderers attack each other on Sunday, you will have to watch the NFL.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Emmy Awards had just one surprise after another. I thought the highlight of the show was when they brought out the undead Liberace.

President William Jefferson Clinton is on the program tonight. He is here tonight to discuss his global initiative and Emmy fashion faux pas.

We have a lot of security here tonight. Even I had to go through security. I was frisked. I was groped. I was patted down. Then I got back in line.

Here in New York City it's opening day at the United Nations. Everybody agreed that it's not as much fun without Berlusconi.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

California has been invaded by four new species of lizards, and they're legless. Every time a new species is discovered, why is it some kind of slimy lizard or slug thing? Why can't they discover a long-lost, extra-cute kitty cat or a super-cuddly ferret?

Isn't a legless lizard just a snake? No, it isn't. A snake doesn't have eyelids; a legless lizard does. A snake can coil up; a legless lizard can't. There are only two species that can shed the skin in one piece — a snake and Bruce Jenner.

Snakes lost their legs because they never used them. It's some evolution thing. Apparently, it's the same reason Scottish people lost their optimism.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Traffic has come to a complete stop in Hollywood because we have a huge free concert with Paul McCartney tonight. Either that or all of those people outside just fell for our biggest prank ever.

I was out very late last night after the Emmy Awards. They had all of these parties going on. What are you going to do — not go to them?

It takes me so long to say goodbye to everyone at a party that I have to start over and say goodbye to everyone again. We need a socially acceptable way to say goodbye to everyone at a party at once.

People complain that we don't have seasons in California. But that's not true. We have one season and it's the good one. We're fine with that.

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