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Wednesday Sep 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Starbucks has a new policy. If you have a gun, they're asking you to leave it at home — thus making it easier for them to rob you.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, there was a rally to get Tim Tebow to play quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars. But the bad news: Only 12 guys showed up. The good news for Tebow? Those 12 guys were Matthew, Luke, Mark, John, Peter . . .

The face value of tickets to this year's Super Bowl will be as high as $2,600. So that's what it will cost the Jacksonville Jaguars if they want to go to the Super Bowl — $2,600.

Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.

Conan

The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, "It's our job to rob you guys."

Starbucks announced they don't want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that's more dangerous than what we serve.

It turns out that a man who had been struggling with unexplained drunkenness actually had microbes in his stomach that produced alcohol that made him drunk. I don't have a joke for this, but I just want to let everyone know that this excuse does exist, seriously.

Kelsey Grammer is taking over a part in the new "Expendables" movie that was supposed to go to Nicolas Cage. It's being called the most unbelievable performance by Nicolas Cage ever — him saying no to a part.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to The New York Times. The Times shares its birthday with Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong and The New York Times are very different, of course. One has a history of telling lies and all kinds of crap but is now desperately trying to stay relevant. And the other one's Lance Armstrong.

The New York Times is very respected. They've won more Pulitzer Prizes than any other newspaper. By the way, if you don't know what that is, I'll explain. A newspaper is a big papery blog with yesterday's news.

Apparently some of the contestants on "Big Brother" were fired from their real jobs for racist remarks they made on the show. But this was the best season for "Big Brother" ever, according to Paula Deen.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was a day of much downloading and updating for owners of the iPad and iPhone. Apple released its new operating system. It was nice to breeze through 40 pages of user terms and conditions again. It's been too long.

There are so many new features for Apple. The new features will make your phone the most technologically advanced piece of electronic equipment you will ever accidentally put through the washing machine.

Researchers at Ohio State say the number of pedestrians whose have been injured while using smartphones while walking has more than doubled since 2005. They also confirmed that those injuries are hilarious to watch.

Those studies say that not only do people walk into traffic, but people have walked off bridges. That's one of the injuries no one has any sympathy for. You are the idiot. You got what you deserved.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

North Korea says it's ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it's going to be pretty awkward - not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.

Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA’s spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn’t help when Brazil called to say they weren’t coming and the White House was like, “Yeah, we heard.”

Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?

 
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