Monday Sep 16 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

For the first time an Indian-American has won Miss America. A 24-year-old named Nina Davuluri won by answering a question no one else could possible answer: “What is the name of last year's Miss America?”

California's legislature approved a bill allowing drivers licenses for illegals. I've got a better idea. Instead of giving them new licenses let's take away the licenses from people like Dina Lohan and Lamar Odom. Give them those licenses.

Dairy farmers now warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year. Milk could be as much as $6 a gallon. Today Senator John McCain outlined a new plan to invade Wisconsin.

According to a new Harris Poll, America's favorite age is 50. Do you know what NBC's least favorite age is? — 63.


For the first time ever, Miss America is a woman of Indian descent. The judge asked her three questions: Why do you want to be Miss America?, What will you do with the prize?, and How do I get my laptop to reboot?

Vladimir Putin wrote that America should not view itself as exceptional. I disagree. Hey, Russia, we invented jazz and the elevators it plays in. We're the geographic sweet spot between frostbite and beheadings. Our roulette is way better than your roulette. And when you rearrange the letters in "Russia" — you get "USA, Sir!"

There's a new exercise trend out there. It's people using twerking to get fit. In just six weeks you can lose 10 pounds and your dignity.

A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem later on in life. Another warning sign is if the kid asks for his milk on the rocks.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

We have a new Miss America. Nina Davuluri is the first Miss America of Indian-American heritage. A lot of people say having an Indian-American as Miss America is a sign of progress. I think it is. We should pat ourselves on the back for objectifying women without regard to ethnicity.

The big controversy in the pageant this year was that Miss Kansas had tattoos. Miss America's main competitor is the Miss USA Pageant, which is run by Donald Trump. Trump said tattoos made Miss Kansas look silly. Then he stuck his head into a cotton candy machine to whip up a fresh batch of hair.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

"Dancing With the Stars" returned for a 17th season. Paula Dean was rumored to be one of the stars they tried to get to dance. Over the weekend, Paula made her first public appearance since she went into hiding. I knew eventually she would have to come out for butter.

Paula Dean held a cooking demonstration. Some fans paid $400 a ticket. Who pays $400 to watch a woman cook?

Paula told the crowd that the racism controversy taught her a lot about herself and her business. She promised that from now on the only N-word she will use is "nutmeg."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Saturday night was the big fight in Las Vegas between Floyd Mayweather and Canelo Alvarez. Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne actually walked Floyd Mayweather to the ring. It really psyched out Alvarez. When he saw the three of them together he was like, “I don't know who to hit first.”

Yesterday, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco actually missed the birth of his son so that he could play with his team against the Browns. It was 8 pounds, 7 ounces. Not the baby — the diamond Flacco had to buy his wife to make up for it.

Russia apparently has asked Cher to perform at next year's Winter Olympics. Because if there's one thing that'll keep gay people out of your country, it's holding a free Cher concert.

Actually, Cher says she turned down Russia's invitation to perform because of the government's anti-gay laws. Russia said it’s no big deal. They'll just move on to their second choice: Liza Minnelli.

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