Friday Sep 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

Today is Friday the 13th, and over in Finland the airline "Finnair" had a flight numbered 666 going to Helsinki — which has the three-letter designation "HEL." So on your ticket it says Friday the 13th, flight 666, going to hell. Even scarier? There’s a layover in Newark.

Mercedes has unveiled a self-driving car. The car drives itself. I’m begging every member of Lindsay Lohan's family to get one of these.

In Canada, a man was attacked by a polar bear and he scared it off with his cellphone. Apparently the bear got frightened when he saw the two-year contract.

Late Show with David Letterman

Dr. Phil is on the program tonight. You've got to hand it to Dr. Phil, he is a smart guy. He turned a phony medical degree into a media empire.

In the last 20 years the ambient temperature of the planet earth has increased two degrees. That's two more degrees than Dr. Phil has.

The Miss America Pageant is coming back on Sunday night from Atlantic City. They're modernizing the pageant. They're changing the name of it to "America's Got Implants."

Being Miss America is like being a George Clooney girlfriend. You only get to serve for one year. And Miss Florida, what a beautiful young woman. Her talent is swimming over from Cuba.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's Friday the 13th. It is always considered unlucky. It got scarier when those "Friday the 13th" movies came out. That hockey mask Jason wears is terrifying. How did they come up with that? Who'd make a link between hockey and violence?

A few years ago, they made the movie "Freddy vs. Jason." They do that all the time. They take two franchises that are totally out of gas and put them against each other. There was "Dracula vs. Frankenstein," "Alien vs. Predator," "Khloe vs. Lamar," "Jay vs. Conan."

Godzilla was in tons of those movies, like "Godzilla vs. King Kong." The most uneven was "Godzilla vs. Mothra." How's that a fair fight? Godzilla is a giant fire-breathing lizard. Mothra is a big moth. What does Mothra do? Eat holes in all of Godzilla's sweaters?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The new season of “Survivor” premieres next week. It has a great twist. It has returning contestants competing for a million dollars against their own family members. So if you’re wondering what it takes for people to be willing to be stranded on an island with their families, the answer is a million dollars.

We just had our primary for mayor here in New York City, and a new poll found that only 20 percent of New Yorkers voted. Which got even worse when 50 percent were like, “Wait, Giuliani's leaving?”

Doritos is asking people from around the world to submit videos that could end up in its Super Bowl commercial. Yeah, then the Jets were like, "Sweet! Maybe we WILL be in the Super Bowl."

Officials in Washington, D.C., have proposed a 24-hour waiting period before people can get tattoos. Or as people who want tattoos put it, "You mean we gotta stay drunk for 24 hours?"

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