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Thursday Sep 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called “Lame Duck Dynasty.”

Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, "not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him." Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.

The Oneida Indian Nation wants the Washington Redskins to change the name "Redskins" because they consider it a racial slur. In a related story, the city of Jacksonville wants the NFL team, the Jaguars, to drop the name “Jacksonville” just because they stink.

According to the tabloids, they are saying that it looks like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are done. If that turns out to be true, then Khloe would get the 12th pick in the NBA draft.

Conan

Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.

Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen.

Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.

A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City's biggest embarrassment.

Our old friend Rupert Jee runs the Hello Deli right around the corner. Rupert is now in a lot of trouble. The United Nations has given Rupert seven days to turn over his tuna salad.

The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He's driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There's your miracle, you know what I'm saying?

Chris Humphreys has gotten the engagement ring back from Kim Kardashian and he's selling it at auction for $2 million. That's an impressive ring. So if guys want to get engaged, try to get that ring. It's the perfect way to tell your fiancee, "I want to spend the next 72 days with you."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.

If you haven't seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it's for his own good.

The 2014 edition of the "Guinness Book of Records" is out. Finally, we'll have answers to the most important questions of our time, like "Who's got the world's largest Afro?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes.

How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it's the Pope!

The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?

Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as “exceptional.” Then he said, "Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing."

Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as “exceptional” and said that, quote, “God created us equal.” Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.

Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him — pass the ball to Michael Jordan.

 
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