Wednesday Sep 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The White House has a new slogan: "Hope and let the Russians fix it."

Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too.

Well, it was confusing, wasn't it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal.

John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be "unbelievably small." But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria.


Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke.

I'm a little bummed out because it looks like the Anthony Weiner madness is finally over. It was so good for talk show hosts, one of the best things that ever happened. As he drove away from reporters, he gave them the finger. So at least he went out with dignity. That's the important thing.

The new secretary of the Vatican said that celibacy for priests is open to discussion. In a related story, nuns are now allowed to twerk.

This is weird. A brewer has apparently come out with a beer that you can spread on toast. It is said to appeal to a very specific market known as alcoholics.

Late Show with David Letterman

The United States is going to make a deal with Russia and Syria. What could possibly go wrong? Here’s the deal: Syria will turn over their stockpiled chemicals and we send them Alex Rodriguez.

You know whose birthday it is? Evil Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, 48 years old today. It would be nice if he had a surprise birthday party from SEAL Team 6.

McDonald's is now serving steak. Nothing says fine dining like rolling down your car window and screaming out, "medium rare!"

Can the USDA consider it prime beef if it comes with a toy?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight was a very special episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Mama June and Sugar Bear had a commitment ceremony. That's like a wedding but without that old-fashioned crap about being legally required to give away half your stuff.

Of course they got dressed up for the commitment ceremony. Camouflage is a bold fashion choice for a wedding, isn't it? Nothing ruins your wedding faster than hunters who think you're caribou.

The whole idea of a commitment ceremony is not for me. It's usually when married people say they're renewing their vows. And I don't see the point in renewing your vows. It is not a magazine subscription. You don't have to renew it.

Celebrity couples renew their wedding vows all the time. They usually give an interview explaining their marriage is "rock solid," and they just want to "get back to what's important." And the husband is "totally not gay."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In New York, former Congressman Anthony Weiner became the first candidate to concede in his bid to become the Democratic candidate for mayor. Weiner got less than 5 percent of the vote and came in fifth. There's got to be something else he can run for. I have 3,000 more Anthony Weiner jokes.

You know, while losing the election was bad news for Anthony Weiner, it was great news for Carlos Danger. Carlos just opened four new dating accounts.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Since marijuana is now legal in Colorado they have to tax it like anything else, and this got people upset. This week, activists in Colorado were handing out free marijuana to protest the high taxes. Then later the pot activists were like, “We did WHAT?”

There's been some talk that the Vatican is considering a new rule that would allow Catholic priests to get married one day. Critics of the rule say priests should remain celibate. While others said, “You've never been married, have you?”

HBO announced a new detective show starring Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. Apparently they try to break suspects using that new interrogation technique, "laid-back cop/even more laid-back cop."

One Direction's new concert movie apparently has flopped at the U.K. box office even though it's been a huge hit here in the U.S. Yeah, they're killing it here, and doing terrible over in England — or as toothpaste put it, “Join the club.”

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