Tuesday Sep 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.

A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn't you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?

John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t . . . he'll give them another week.

Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.


Apple announced a much lower-priced iPhone. It's so low budget, you can ask Siri a question only after she gets off her second job as a waitress.

Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.

The CDC says its graphic anti-smoking TV ads have helped over 200,000 people to quit. Not quit smoking, quit watching television.

The entire cabinet of Iran joined Facebook. Then they spent the rest of the day pretending not to see a friend request from Israel.

Late Show with David Letterman

Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.

New York kids are back in school. I was taunted and bullied when I was a kid at school. The janitors hated me.

I used to have to walk to school in a shark cage.

My son is in the fourth grade and the academic regimen they have these kids on is pretty rigorous. My son is studying wills and estate law — in a shark cage!

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn't the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren't things a little bit tense right now?

The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He's like, "I'm going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let's see what Putin says."

Apple has announced that iPhones will be available in different colors. I'll buy anything Apple puts out. And Samsung. It really depends on which one of them advertises on CBS.

I'm not in a hurry to update my smartphone. I work at CBS. So I'm used to being around outdated technology.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.

You'd be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen.

According to the report, the least happy countries are all countries in Africa. It's hard to be happy when a good day is a day you don't get trampled by a hippopotamus.

Apple unveiled not one, but two iPhones. Their high-end phone has a fingerprint scanner — because the NSA doesn't have enough of our personal information. They want fingerprints too.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. It got weird when officials checked the results and said, “The winner is . . . Richard Nixon?”

The newer voting machines weren't properly programed — or as Florida put it, "Never stopped us."

It's Fashion Week here in New York City. The city's filled with hundreds of models — or as restaurants call that, “the off-season.”

Fashion Week held its first-ever plus-sized fashion show. Apparently, they're hoping it creates a more positive, body-friendly atmosphere — which it might if they didn't call everyone there “plus-sized.”

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