Friday Sep 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he’s seeking asylum.

The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious.

On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria “a war,” he is calling it a "limited military intervention" — which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire."

John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?

Late Show with David Letterman

Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for . . . three, four months.

The kids are going back to school. When I was a kid, you used to take an apple to school for the teacher to get on her good side. Now you send over a drink.

It's Fashion Week here in New York City. This morning, on the subway, I was beaten up by a teen gang of fashionistas.

I saw a supermodel this morning holding a sign. Here's what the sign reads: "Will starve for food." Does that make any sense?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day if you like football. Who doesn't? Al-Qaida, that's who doesn't! They say, "Sorry, it's too violent."

The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can't stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other.

L.A. doesn't even have a football team. It's just sad. The only other major American city that doesn't have professional football is Oakland.

A lot of people are picking the Denver Broncos to go to the Super Bowl. I like Denver. You fly there, get to the altitude, stop and get out. If people from Denver are on a plane and there is an emergency and the masks drop down, they are like, "No, we're good. It's fine."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine's Day gift.

The opening game took place between the Broncos and the Ravens. The Broncos won. Peyton Manning beat the all-time record with seven touchdown passes. He even threw ME a touchdown and I was at home.

So now maybe Peyton Manning will finally get some commercial endorsements, right?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Football is back. After seven months of waiting, last night's NFL season opener between the Ravens and the Broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. Apparently God said, “No Tebow? No football.”

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt said that he plans to retire after the 2016 Olympics in Brazil. When asked what he'll do after he retires, Bolt said, “Walk.”

A woman in England claims that her female cat is about to celebrate her 28th birthday, which would make it the oldest cat in the world. You can tell the cat's getting really old because it just got a cat.

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