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Thursday Sep 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

NFL football came back tonight! Do a lot of you play fantasy football? Here’s an update: Tim Tebow is still fantasizing he’s an NFL quarterback.

Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody.

If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.

Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don’t know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.

Conan

Today is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season. In other words, a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers today.

Yesterday a news anchor accidentally hung up on Oprah while he was interviewing her. He is survived by his wife and children.

A 5-year-old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. In about an hour from now, people are hoping he will become the youngest person to LAND an airplane.

Tim Robbins, the star of "The Shawshank Redemption," has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison. In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket.

Don't worry. All of tonight's jokes have been written by my one gentile writer.

You can now buy a coffin that has a $30,000 stereo system. That's right. You can be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. Or you can just bury the $30,000. It's the same thing.

Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Scientists in England say telling a lie gives compulsive liars a "high" similar to that of taking drugs. Wow! And let me say, you guys are a great audience. I'm just very happy to be here. I love CBS.

All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.

All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.

The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The 2013 NFL season is about to begin. The Denver Broncos will host the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. They play the game tonight, and tomorrow night is the big two-hour result show.

Today also happens to be the first day of New York Fashion Week. This is an exciting time of the year in New York. The air gets crisper, the leaves start to change, and the skinny Lithuanian girls put on dresses worth more than their entire villages.

A lot of stars are here for New York Fashion Week. Leonardo DiCaprio is there checking out his next girlfriend.

A heat alert has been issued for Southern California. Is that necessary? Isn't the heat its own alert? But it is a concern here in L.A. because Botox boils when it gets to 100 degrees.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the NFL's season opener, with the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens playing the Denver Broncos. Yeah, three hours of Peyton Manning — and that was just during the commercials.

I ordered a pizza while we were watching the game — which got weird when Tim Tebow delivered it.

Apple is expected to unveil the new iPhone at a press conference next Tuesday. Experts say it's similar to the current iPhone, but different enough to make you hate your current iPhone.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

mmm

 
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