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Tuesday Sep 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.

President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.

About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn't that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.

Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.

Conan

Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.

They're now making the first smartphone that's not made overseas. It's made in Texas. It's also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.

The co-founder of Google and his wife have split up. When asked why, he said, "Search me?"

This weekend, leaders from the NAACP met with leaders from the KKK. After seven hours of talks both sides agreed that they don't really care for Bryant Gumbel.

Late Show with David Letterman

Tonight I will be doing the show without a shark cage.

Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida without using a shark cage. She swam all the way from Cuba to Miami — accompanied by five Cuban pitchers.

Charlie Sheen turned 48 years old today. Gosh, I wonder if he had a party.

There is trouble at Charlie Sheen's birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, "What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?"

Diana Nyad is a 64-year-old woman, the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. I think it would be harder with a cage. Hold up a cage and try swimming at the same time.

I think Diana Nyad is really inspiring, but I'm concerned about the practice of putting old people in cages.

It's amazing to think that it was a 64-year-old woman swimming from Cuba to Florida. It took endurance, perseverance, and some pretty lazy sharks.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Vin Diesel is with us tonight. Vin is not his real name. His real name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning — and with any luck, for good.

Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country.

Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“Star Wars” creator George Lucas recently invested $10 million in Starbucks. Yeah, TEN million. Of course, most fans think he should have stopped at three.

An 80-year-old weightlifter has been banned from the sport for two years after he was caught using steroids at a competition. Officials became suspicious that he was using steroids when he was an 80-year-old man in a weightlifting competition.

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon.

On Sunday, more than 1,500 people set a world record by holding the largest gathering of redheads in history — marking the first event that nearly got canceled due to sun.

 
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