Friday Aug 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The NFL says they are going to crack down on excessive celebrations this season. The only time they will allow a celebration is when an NFL player is found “not guilty.”

LeBron James reported to jury duty in Akron, Ohio. He didn't get picked, but when he walked into the courtroom the jury was made up of Cavalier fans who sentenced him to death.

Yesterday, President Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece's economy. President Obama talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it’s "the blind leading the blind."

Anthony Weiner has released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Oh, please. If Weiner wants to improve life in New York City, he should move to New Jersey.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A movie opens today. It is called "Elysium." It stars Matt Damon. The movie takes place in the future where a lot of things are very different, but strangely Jay Leno is still hosting "The Tonight Show."

In the movie, earth has been overrun with crime, disease, and pollution. Basically, the entire world is Los Angeles.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The new iPhone is coming soon. The new iPhone is going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Then President Obama was like, “Right. NEW feature.”

Yesterday, Obama met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Biden said, “John Travolta's here?"

Football season is right around the corner! Yep, the New England Patriots played their first exhibition game tonight, and Tim Tebow said he wasn't sure if he would play, but Coach Belichick told him to be ready. Then he said, “To not play.”

The NFL announced that it's going to start cracking down on players who celebrate too much after scoring a touchdown. Then the Jets were like, "Phew, good thing we don't have to worry about THAT!"

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